I Will Never Be The Same
by wolvesjr34
Summary: Maura and Jane's son CJ never knew his biological mother Maura, she died before he was born. Once a year he sits down with his Ma and they discuss the mother he never knew. This year Jane decides it's time he heard the true story behind her falling in love with Maura. She wants CJ to know that love should never be feared, because otherwise you might just miss out.
1. Chapter 1

_"_ _Mothers tell your children, be quick you must be strong, life is full of wonder, love is never wrong, remember how they taught you, how much of it was fear, refuse to hand it down, the legacy stops here." ~ Melissa Etheridge, "Silent Legacy"._

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There were many reasons he elected to stay in Massachusetts for his university education; and it truly was his choice because he had scholarship offers from across the country. He had his pick of all the top schools for both academia and basketball and he was heavily recruited by all the big basketball schools, from Kentucky to Duke. He had applied to other schools for pure academic considerations and while the likes of Princeton and Dartmouth had offered the full ride it eventually came down to a choice between MIT and BCU, with his biological mother's Alma Mater eventually winning out.

It was nice to be close to home for those days in the year when his presence was required the most. He wanted for nothing in his life and he grew with an intense sense of family and it was this bond that ultimately swayed his entire decision making process. He could play basketball anywhere, and his learning was not limited to what he was taught at school. However, if he was playing basketball in Texas or gaining an education in California he couldn't so easily make it home for a single innocuous day that fell during the first semester of the school year.

At eighteen Conan James Rizzoli-Isles was the tallest in his family, he stood at six foot two and had shed the boyish looks for solid chiselled features and a spattering of dark facial hair as he attempted to grow a goatee. His midnight black hair was cropped relatively short, but his most striking feature he inherited from his biological mother; contemplative eyes that would flicker between hazel and green.

The fact was October ninth didn't mean anything to him beyond what it meant to his Ma. For her it was the heartbreakingly worst day of the year, each and every year and if she was hurting, he was hurting; that was life as a Rizzoli. Because of this he knew he couldn't go too far away to study; she needed him and it was his duty to remind her of the life they had built for themselves.

Three hundred and sixty four days in the year his mother was a pillar of strength; a decorated Boston Police Department Lieutenant fast headed towards retirement, but one who still showed the new generation how it was done. He was constantly awed by his Ma through the years, the battles she fought and won were impressive to say the least; but he knew it was the battle she couldn't win that still haunted her to this day. It was why he was home and not on campus.

He slipped his key into the lock and let himself in quietly, never really sure what to expect on this day, just that usually it wasn't pretty. He kicked off his boots depositing them by the door, before removing his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. He padded softly through the foyer and into the open planned living room and kitchen area. "Ma," he called softly.

Jane Rizzoli sat on a stool leaning over the kitchen island, sifting through the pages of a scrapbook that sent her back twenty years into the past. Her fingers reverently traced her companion in each and every photograph, before turning to the next page. Tears streamed freely down her face and while she managed the odd smile at memories of times gone by, she let the sadness squeeze her chest on this day; it was the only day she would allow the sadness to overwhelm her, but she needed to remember. She never wanted to forget; it was her biggest fear.

"Ma," he repeated, this time bringing his hand to rest on her shoulder.

She turned and looked into the concerned eyes of her son before quickly averting her gaze. It was always difficult for her to look at his eyes on this day; they were too much like his mother's. "Hey CJ," she offered weakly before turning back to the scrapbook.

Recognising the intensity of the sadness that had already built within his mother he stood behind her and hugged her tightly. He knew his mother's fears and he wanted to allay them. "You won't ever forget Mom, Ma."

"I wish you'd have gotten the chance to know her kid, she'd be so proud of you." Jane deflected with a delicacy she wasn't usually known for.

CJ cleared his throat in an attempt to remove the lump that had started forming the moment he had witnessed his Ma's tears. "I do know her Ma; you made sure of that. Plus, you know there's that crazy long letter she wrote for me." It had been a shock to both CJ and his mother when the attorney for the Isles Estate had presented him with a letter and documents for his trust fund on his eighteenth birthday.

Jane chuckled and shrugged out of her son's grasp; there was only so long she would let anybody hug her and the limit had been reached. "Maura was always so damn wordy," she exhaled sadly, "And prepared for pretty much anything."

"I don't think she was ever prepared for you though, was she Ma?" CJ asked with a knowing smirk as he made his way around the island over to the cupboard to pull out a box of Lucky Charms.

Jane watched as her son poured some of the sugary cereal treat into a bowl and added milk. The action triggered a memory of the day everything changed and an involuntary shudder shot down her spine. "She wouldn't have approved of that cereal choice kid; too much sugar and empty carbs or something, but hey you're an athlete I don't think one bowl will hurt ya."

"With how healthy I do eat, I doubt she would have batted an eyelid. Knowing your diet, I'm not surprised she badgered you about the Lucky Charms." Teasing his mother was one of the ways he liked to bring her out of her funk, plus it was straight out fun.

Jane rolled her eyes, closed the scrap book and deadpanned; "There's a reason kale is a dirty word in this household."

CJ shook his head with a smile and padded over to the couch. "Come on Ma it's time for a trip down memory lane."

She heaved a heavy sigh before joining her son on the couch. It had been their tradition for as long as she could remember; sit down with one another on the anniversary of Maura's death and he would listen as she told him something new about the biological mother he had never known. This time was different because she decided it was time he knew the complete truth of how he came to be and the relationship she had shared with his mother.

He knew that she had loved his mother and their intimacy had never been denied, but there was a lot more to the story of Jane Rizzoli falling in love with Maura Isles than CJ had ever been told. She lost time with Maura that she could have had if only fear hadn't ruled her heart.

In fact, she was fairly certain that if it weren't for Maura's cancer diagnosis she would probably still be buried so far in denial that CJ wouldn't exist and that was a thought that gripped her heart with such an intense sadness that she tried not to think about how things worked out the way they did. It was hard at times to reconcile the thought of Maura still being in her life at the expense of having experienced the feeling of true love and the son that stemmed from that. She missed her best friend and soul mate so much there was a constant knot in her chest; but she had been shown what it was to love and to be loved, something she would never change regardless the pain.

"Damnit," she cursed, "Why do I always end up feeling like I'm in an episode of _How I Met Your Mother_?"

CJ cocked his head to the side much like his mother would do when she considered something seriously. "I already know that, Mom thought you were a hooker."

Jane chuckled at the memory of her first meeting with Maura before taking a moment to educate her son on 21st century pop culture. "Yeah, but you see _How I Met Your Mother_ was as much about Ted and Robin's love story than anything else and that's how I feel right now, cause you don't know the true story behind my falling in love with your mother."

His eyes were glued to his Ma's when he shrugged and said, "I thought you told me you always loved her?"

"Well yeah, that's true too but that's the easy story. I feel like I should tell you what really happened; because I want you to know CJ that love is the only emotion you should hold onto. Let hatred, anger and fear roll off your shoulders because in the end, as long as you have love you'll go far." She fought the urge to roll her eyes at the fact she sounded like a Hallmark card.

He finished his mouthful of sugary goodness before responding, "Okay, so hold on to love; got it!"

"Yeah, hold onto it no matter where it comes from, because sometimes it's fleeting and I don't want you to miss out like I did kid."

Between the tone of his Ma's voice and the far away look in her eyes he knew it was time to pay full attention. He reached over to the coffee table to put his bowl down then turned on the cushion, crossing his legs underneath himself so he could pay full attention. "A'ight Ma I'm all ears."

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 **A/N: I have a vision, and it's going to be awkward and a little unusual as we flashback to Jane and Maura twenty years prior, but this is the kind of story that will require patience to understand the full picture. Yes, it's a sad one, Maura is long deceased, but will be in the majority of this story during flashbacks. This won't be a daily updater because I still need to finish Catch 22 (although once that is complete, this will become primary focus)... but my brain would not let me work on Catch 22 if I did not first get this out there.**

 **Thoughts? Do you want to read more? Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So I really had to think how to write the memories, and I've decided for basically a first person monologue/story telling. So yeah Jane is talking to her son, but also sometimes there will be conversation recalled much too perfectly for any person without a photographic memory but thats for the sake of story telling. For now we need to learn a little bit more about this universe...**

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Hindsight is an incredible thing, because it enables us to look back at events and see the truth we may have missed at the time. Let me tell you something son, the truth was not only staring me in the face it was belting me over the head with a hammer; but I was so deep in denial that the truth never occurred to me until it was almost too late. Although if I was honest, it was entirely too late, your Mom was already dying by then and I'm left with so many regrets. Still, she knew I loved her, which is the only thing that brings me any comfort.

I tell you I've always loved her because of that thing called hindsight, and because of hindsight I can pinpoint that moment in time when I knew it, not that any part of me was ever able to accept it. So much wasted time.

Maura and I went through so much together and she was just incredibly supportive and honest to a fault. She was adopted, as you well know, and the way we found that out is still seared into my brain. Finding her dead half brother, only to then discover that Patrick Doyle was her father, well that really scared me.

It meant her life was going to perpetually be in danger; more so at that time and because of that I did something that goes against every fibre of my being. You see Doyle had abducted Maura so that he could warn her she was in danger and to give her a burner phone. He asked her to call him once we discovered who her brother's killer was. She produced the phone and told me of this, but your Mom, God she fought me every step of the way adamant that nobody should die because of her.

So I did something I never thought I'd do, I lied to her. I told her to give me the phone and I'd take it to the crime lab. I called Doyle and I told him the responsible party; I had to protect Maura it was as simple as that to me. I can't say I've ever lost any sleep over a dead mobster either; but over lying to Maura? I lost a lot of sleep, but in my mind it had to be done. Of course I never stopped to analyse why I felt that way and before I knew it, everything changed.

Maura and I faced a lot of danger together and it brought us closer but the siege at Headquarters when your Uncle Frankie was shot flipped everything on its head for a while. I'd barely had a chance to process the decision I'd made to keep Maura safe from Doyle's enemies when the whole messed up situation with Marino went down.

I'm telling you now CJ, as much as I wanted to get to Maura and make sure she was safe, once I found Frankie had been shot and got him to the morgue I became frantic. I was a bit of an ass to your mother; I yelled at her and forced her into performing medical procedures on Frankie that she was not comfortable with, but she did it and she saved him. You probably wouldn't be here if she hadn't, but you know that story already.

When I realised that Marino was in on the whole siege it took everything I had not to panic; stuck in autopsy with Frankie needing surgery and Maura. I had to let him take me because it was the only way to ensure their safety, ya know? But God, nobody was willing to shoot him and Frankie needed help and so I did the only thing I could think of; I grappled for the gun and I shot Marino through myself.

As I fell to the ground I could see Maura running out of the building and hear her yelling my name and then it was like she was right there, hands pressed against me trying to stop the bleeding. I was fading fast but even to this day I don't forget what she said to me. She kept repeating a mantra of, "Stay with me Jane, please don't leave me. I love you."

Everything after that is a haze but I like to think that I at least thought that I loved her too, because I did, but I honestly don't know. There was just so much fear and self loathing and flat out denial within that my own impending death was still not enough to let her know I felt it too.

Your mother on the other hand had decided enough was enough. I guess having her hands covered in my blood as I bled out in front of her was enough motivation for her to use that incredible strength of will she had to confront me with the facts.

You gotta realise something here too, up until she met me, Maura didn't really have anyone she connected with that accepted her for who she was and for her to risk that was so incredibly brave. No way could I have done it in her shoes, but then I was a jackass once more. You'll realise son, that I was a jackass a lot with Maura. Maybe it was because she made me feel things that not a single part of me wanted to accept or trust or perhaps more truthfully, it's just a part of me.

I was still in hospital recovering when she decided it was time to broach the topic of the intensity of her feelings for me. She waited until Ma and Pop had gone to spend some time with Frankie before pretty much cornering me with the revelation. I mean I couldn't go anywhere, I was bed bound. Come to think of it, maybe the fact she could run away if necessary helped stir up a little of the courage she needed.

Watching her pace at the end of my bed was making me dizzy and I really just wanted her to sit down and take my hand. Don't even look at me like that. In my mind I just needed the comfort of my best friend; after all I had just shot myself. So I asked her to sit and watched with growing concern as she played with the ring on her finger. "What's wrong Maur?"

Maura's gaze seemed to drift all around the room as she responded. "Nothing is wrong."

Maura had an obvious tell for lies so the lack of hives or a fainting spell told me she wasn't lying but she sure was looking uncomfortable. "Okay, so what's on your mind?" I asked, hoping to encourage some elaboration.

"Jane," she started only to stop as tears clearly unbidden started streaking down her face.

"Hey, hey Maur, whatever it is you know you can talk to me." Even then there was nothing that made me feel more unsettled than your Mom crying.

She must have found her inner reserve of strength at that point because she stilled her hands in her lap and looked up and met my gaze head on. "It has come to my attention through recent events that my feelings for you exceed those of friendship."

She was looking at me so earnestly and at first I was just thinking how incredibly awkward she managed to make a confession of attraction. Then all the guilt, fear and denial I had grown up with courtesy of the wonderful society we live in came screaming to the forefront of my mind. "You can't," I said simply. At this stage I hadn't yet entered full on asshole mode, but it was fast approaching.

She tilted her head in thought, clearly not having anticipated that kind of response. "What do you mean I cannot? Obviously I can, because I do."

"Maura," I growled, "You're my best friend. You can't have…" my hands were gesturing recklessly around to try and ease the pressure building in my brain, "Romantic feelings for me. We're just friends."

"Well I am sorry if this upsets you Jane," her voice was wavering, her confidence clearly shattered. "I just needed you to know, I couldn't keep this to myself. It would be dishonest. I do not expect you to reciprocate."

"Good, because I don't," I snapped angrily. "Those are the kinda things you keep to yourself Maur. You don't tell your straight best friend that you have a thing for her." I waved my hand dismissively at her, "Just get out. I can't deal with this right now."

I could tell she was holding back more tears, but she nodded and walked to the exit before turning back to look at me. "What I feel for you Jane is more than _having a thing_ for you. I love you; but I realise now my mistake in trusting that you cared enough about me in return to shut me down gently."

She had such a valid point I just turned away from her and bore a hole into the wall. If Maura was not such a kind, caring, forgiving person that right there would probably have been the last non work related conversation we ever shared. Because I was awful to her, beyond the words and the tone I used I know the look on my face was of absolute disgust. My socially awkward best friend put her heart on her sleeve and I completely crushed it; in some ways I wish I could forget, because that memory sucks.

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 **A/N: I know some people are going to be angry at Jane from time to time during this story, but there is a bigger message that needs to be shared and that's why I am writing this. Besides, clearly we know she realises her feelings... but it is about the journey... so hope you stick with me.**

 **That said, feel free to tell me how you're feeling. Thanks for all the reads, reviews, faves and follows.**


	3. Chapter 3

"You're right you were such a jackass Ma." CJ interrupted, "I can't begin to imagine how heart broken Mom must have been." He was clearly saddened by the story, but he wasn't disappointed with his mother because there were things he knew that she didn't. The letter that Maura had written him had been incredibly in depth and complex and he had never shared its contents with his Ma and she had never asked him to either.

Jane sighed and let her gaze wander to the pictures on the mantle before returning to her son. "If it's anything like what I live with knowing she's gone and never coming back… then yeah it is pretty hard to fathom. You're lucky that you inherited her brains and logic, so while you wonder what she was like and wish she were here so you could know her, you're free of this aching because you never knew her to miss her in the first place."

CJ leaned forward to cover his Ma's hands in his own. "I don't miss her like you do, but it hurts knowing you're hurting. I wish I could take your pain away Ma; I wish I could bring Mom back for you." He squeezed the hands beneath his to provide extra comfort.

The feelings were hitting her in intense waves leaving Jane desperate to make some sort of deflecting joke, but she simply couldn't. She sighed and closed her eyes trying to ignore the inundation of flashbacks peppering her eyelids. Finally she opened her eyes again and settled for honesty, "I wish you could too."

"Alright," he said, paying attention to what his mother was wearing for the first time. "Obviously there's more to the story, but I think you should shower and change out of those sweats."

Jane eyed her son dubiously, "Are you saying I stink, kid?"

CJ simply grinned, "That's exactly what I'm saying."

Jane shot him her patented Rizzoli eye roll before reluctantly listening to his request. She understood that it was his way of keeping her moving on the one day she was likely to stop altogether. "Fine," she mumbled as she disappeared up the stairs, "Ya little shit."

While he waited for his mother to freshen up he wandered into his old room and dug around beneath his bed for his hidden box of treasures. Pulling it out he sat down on top of the bed and opened the box. It contained mementos from his life including his first Red Sox and Celtics game ticket stubs; the results of his IQ test, which landed him in genius territory with a 153 and the letter his Mom had written him.

He had read it many times just to feel connected to the woman who's DNA he shared and while he had the entire thing memorised, he still enjoyed the comfort of being able to trace the elegant handwriting. He did miss his Mom, but his Ma was right, there was no ache to it because he had never known her. He wished he did though, because it was clear to him that she was an incredible woman. He snickered a little at the thought that played through his mind: _she had to be incredible and patient to put up with Ma no doubt_.

He put the letter back in the box and tucked it back under the bed. Standing up he took a look around the room and smiled at the memories of growing up fully encouraged to read anything and everything, as highlighted by the bookshelf filled with literary classics as well as books on the plethora of topics that had interested him growing up.

He remembered his Ma reading to him as a kid and knew that he had been born into a wonderful family, but he also knew that his biological connection to Maura had ensured he was as loved as any kid could be. He didn't know his Mom, but she was a part of every decision his Ma ever made; he had realised this as he got older and still remembers overhearing his Ma muttering _WWMD_ to herself when making decisions that affected them both. _What would Maura do?_

Unbeknownst to his Ma, he had undertaken a similar thought pattern based on everything he had learned. Besides, he was as all his family pointed out, so much like his mother, aside from being less socially awkward. He no doubt had the Rizzoli genes to thank for that; he also attributed his athletic prowess to those genes as well.

Upon hearing the shower cease he left his room and the memories behind and wandered back over to the coffee table, picked up the cereal bowl and took it to the kitchen to clean it up. He returned to the couch and waited for his Ma to join him.

Jane returned to the couch dressed in some jeans and a Red Sox hoodie; she felt a lot fresher and had allowed the hot water to melt away some more tears ahead of the next part of the story. She made herself comfortable before looking over at her son, who appeared eager for her to continue. "Before I continue, how's school?"

"It's good. I'm keeping up with classes well and training has just started. Too early to tell but I think I'll make varsity."

Jane grinned, "That's great; your Mom would be proud… okay so maybe she would be nagging you to make sure your school work was priority one, but she'd still be proud of your sporting achievements."

"Ha well she has a genius for a son, the school work is a piece of cake, leaving me plenty of time to focus on basketball." He was quite happy with where he was headed academically and athletically but a more sombre question came to mind. "So how did you and Mom patch things up after your jackassery in hospital?"

"Honestly? I got sick of Ma playing helicopter mom after I got home from the hospital and reached out to your Mom."

CJ chuckled, "I am so glad you're not as bad as Nonna."

Jane just smirked, "That you know of. I'm a cop, I can be more devious."

He groaned exaggeratedly, "Maaaaaaa!"

Jane held her hands up in mock surrender, "Okay, okay… on with the story."

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After a two week stay in the hospital I was back at my apartment and suffice to say I was a moping, whiny ass the entire time. Ma ignored me for the most part, but after two weeks of putting up with her fussing I couldn't take it any further, I kicked her out but the only way she would leave me alone was if I promised to talk to Maura. At this point I realised Maura hadn't explained to my Ma why we were not on speaking terms and that alone was enough for me to accept I had been an ass and should at least apologise.

To be honest I was kind of surprised that Maura actually took my call, but she did and agreed to come over and have a chat. I apologised and she forgave me, because that is Maura in a nutshell; plus that whole hindsight thing, I think she knew all along how I felt about her but that my denial and self loathing was too intense for anything to happen. I'm lucky she decided I was worthy of friendship in spite of my obvious shortcomings.

Still I needed time, and as such I pushed everyone away while I healed; Maura would check on me, she couldn't stop herself. I put up with it because even then I knew I owed her and she was being great at never mentioning those pesky feelings of hers again. In fact she dated my trauma surgeon Byron Slucky for a while there and to be honest I didn't like that one bit. I was jealous and we both knew it, but she knew it was pointless at that stage to point that out to me and left it alone.

Slucky didn't last long though; he was a pompous ass who made the mistake of belittling your Mom's qualifications. He was lucky I wasn't there for that or I reckon I would have slugged him. I never took too kindly to anyone giving her crap of any sort. Yeah I know. You don't even have to think about pointing out my own hypocrisy; I'm more than aware of it. I beat myself up about it enough as it is.

The thing is kid, while my friendship with your Mom definitely got back on track I was still determined to keep denying this ever growing feeling within. So naturally when I ran into Casey during the award ceremony for my allegedly heroic actions I felt I had found the perfect buffer. I went to high school with Casey, had a crush on him, well that is what I told myself anyway. The whole evening went to hell in a hand basket when the army officer being honoured for her heroism that night too was killed; but we had to liaise with the army, which was the perfect opportunity for me reconnect with Casey.

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"Really, Ma?" CJ asked, having learned his Ma's patented _really_ very quickly growing up. "Firstly, your actions were heroic. Secondly, what the hell was wrong with you? How did Mom feel about you fawning all over Casey?"

Jane sighed wistfully, "Honestly, I think at that stage she believed I was never going to accept my feelings for her and Maura was an exceptional woman. She just wanted me to be happy, so she encouraged it."

"You know your life sounds like a terrible cop show." CJ deadpanned, before eventually breaking out into a grin. "I don't think the saints could have exhibited more patience with you than Mom did."

Jane had to nod her agreement because her son was more than correct. "I dunno what I did to deserve her, but trust me there's a lot more patience to come."

CJ looked at his watch; it was creeping up towards lunch time. "Shall I order the pizza?"

"Sure why not." Jane responded with a melancholic smile, this was just another tradition, sharing a pizza just like she used to do so often with the fussy medical examiner. "Order me a side of anchovies too would ya?"

CJ just shook his head in the negative. "Not gonna happen Ma."

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 **A/N: Still delving into a little backstory, but soon enough we shall delve into where everything changes.**

 **Thank you for reads, reviews, faves and follows.**


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